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Joke of the Day

"Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop."

"One thing you can count on: For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it."

"My mother in law just died... It was a blessing though. I had been suffering for years."

"If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!"

"How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day? One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab."

"Going down on a woman is the best. The way her thighs cover your ears so you can finally get some quiet time..."

"What's that Lassie? Bark! Yes I have a few moments of free time Bark! Goddammit lassie no I don't want to hear about Jesus"

"Life is like a roller coaster... The easiest part is the beginning, the rest is a non-stop pain in the ass."

"Things a raccoon and I have in common: 1) Dark circles around the eyes. 2) Likes eating junk. 3) We're both cute but will kill you."

"Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful"