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Joke of the Day

"[zoo] ME: Haha...this one's face! WIFE: Tha- M [bangs on glass] W: Stop it M [pulls funny face] W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls"

"I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now. About time I got fucked."

"""If you're building a time machine, Take your time. what's the rush?"""

"Three really fat girls were cramped under one umbrella. Why didn't any of them get wet? It wasn't raining."

"TIFU by getting my girlfriend's order wrong at Subway Oops, wrong sub"

"Why did so many people show up to see the cannibal get cremated? His family advertised it as a barbecue."

"The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band"

"What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato."

"Why shouldn't you look at a cup of ranch? Because it's still dressing."

"I'm usually not into butt plugs... ...it's actually the other way around :)"