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Joke of the Day

"Mandela dead at 95. Respect. That's 5mph faster than Paul Walker."

"[Sees cute barista] I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso."

"I had to factory reset my phone.. I found Nickelback on it"

"""See? I'm not nothing,"" I thought... ...as the sliding glass doors opened for me :("

"COOKING TIP: Quickly slice a block of cheese by throwing it through a harp."

"I can't understand my parents. I am 35 years old and they're still living with me."

"My girlfriend can manipulate the muscles in her fanny to make a shag feel like a blowjob. Ironically, when she uses the muscles in her mouth, she sounds like a twat."

"I wanted to be a politician... But then I realized that I couldn't fit my entire head up my ass."

"I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I'm with a screaming two year old wondering, ""Who is that solo genius?"""

"What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!"