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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend can manipulate the muscles in her fanny to make a shag feel like a blowjob. Ironically, when she uses the muscles in her mouth, she sounds like a twat."

"""1st day at school"" Mother: ""Did you enjoy your first day at school?"" . Girl: ""First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?"

"If I had a crystal ball that could see five years into the future... I would have 2020 vision."

"I wish Bond movies gave a more realistic view of his jet lag and traveler's diarrhea."

"[Airport Bar] Me: I'll have a beer, please. Bartender: That'll be $45. Me: Worth it."

"I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say ""Bless me, father, for I have sinned and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen."""

"Today is national Radio day. Do you copy? 10-4"

"I've heard mixed reviews about cannibalism... It varies from person to person."

"There is only one house song. It's 38,000 minutes long."

"*looks through telescope* *telescope thinks you're looking at him and waves* *you wave at Jupiter behind* *telescope awkwardly lowers hand*"