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Joke of the Day

"""Cellphones only work when you talk into them like you're trying to be heard over a buzzsaw screwing a freight train."" - My Dad"

"Warning to friends: If you piss me off I'll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries."

"I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix."

"A man goes to the doctors for a physical. The doctor says ""you have to stop masturbating"" The man replies ""why?"" The doctor responds ""because I'm trying to give you a physical"""

"The Statue of Liberty's torch sure is good at surviving apocalypses."

"What's a ghost like to drink on the weekend? Booze (Kill me now)"

"I almost didn't remember today was September 11th Then I felt bad, because I said I'd never forget."

"How many redditors does it take to screw in a new lightbulb? Zero. Somebody already did it."

"I think my girlfriend's love for Einstein's theories is driving us away from each other. But, hey. I'll be a good guy and understand if she just wants some time and space."

"Did you hear about the blind circumciser? He got the sac"