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Joke of the Day

"I got circumcised on the NHS Which means the operation was free, you just leave a tip"

"My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, ""I wanna watch."""

"The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there's an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use."

"When I think of all the money I've spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!"

"If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don't have one. Carry on floating head selfie chick."

"Flight Attendant: Would you like some headphones? Man: Yes, and how did you know my name was Phones?"

"So I walked in to a brothel.. And shortly after entering I began assaulting everyone in the queue...then...umm...shit nevermind, I just punched up the fuckline."

"My mom just got me off of work early. I love when she comes by the office. *Literally just happened"

"My friend was knocked down and killed by a speeding truck full of designer Versace dresses The police said he was a fashion victim"

"I'd imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters."