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Joke of the Day

"*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall* *Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands* *Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*"

"Wife: morning Me: good morning Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that's great"

"Jesus only ever had one orgasm in his life We're still waiting for the Second Coming"

"I asked my English GF if I could have sex with her sister today She said you can't I said no you're a cunt!"

"How many antisocial guys does it take to change a flat tire? Fuck you!"

"If U are nervous about public speaking, no need to picture the audience naked, just realize they will be on their phone ignoring you anyway."

"A slightly drunk woman is watching tv... She yells, ""Don't go there! Don't go up the stairs! Don't go into the church you dumb bitch!"" Her husband asks, ""What are you watching?"" ""Our wedding video."""

"When my kids get older I'm going to discourage them from drinking.This way if I need a liver I can just harvest one of theirs."

"If the BeeGees are 'staying alive' so much then how come they're all dead."

"What's the difference between a Slut and a Bitch? A Slut sleeps with everyone A Bitch sleeps with everyone, except you."