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Joke of the Day

"I've easily spent 12% of my life chuckling at my own jokes and being grossed out by my own body. Also, I like random percentages."

"it's always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you."

"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way"

"Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson."

"Why is it easy for light bulbs to travel? Because they pack light."

"If you ever feel like a third wheel, just stop.... You are not a third wheel. You are a majestic unicycle and they are your noble training wheels."

"Cop: You doin drugs? ""No"" Cop: Whatya smokin? ""Pot"" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS ""Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"""

"Why did the cannibal get banned from the hospital? He kept trying the doctors patients(patience)"

"What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread? It's stalemate"

"Never date an apostrophe... they can be possessive."