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Joke of the Day

"Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she's in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now."

"A geneticist is having sex... During foreplay, the geneticist's partner kept moaning ""Aug, aug, AUG!"" The geneticist later proclaims, ""I don't know where to start!"""

"Look I see that you love me and would kill for me, but this guy over here barely notices me and has a GF. I'll play the odds. -Woman logic"

"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob"

"Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in? Me: Is married a number? That's how I get the good meds..."

"""Why'd you name me Carson, dad?"" You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal."

"How do you know if a wizards gay? It disappears with a poof."

"I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like ""Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute..."""

"What is the difference between a soap and a jew? There isn't."

"You're momma so fat... When she watches sports she roots for half off Papa John's."