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Joke of the Day

"All I want is to live well and to die in a manner so bizarre and gruesome it can only be described with a German word."

"""They are more afraid of you than you are of them."" -people who know even less about me than they do about bears"

"I don't understand why ISIS is such a big deal. All we have to do is parachute in Chuck Norris, and within a month they will all be dead... It can't be done faster since he fights with his bare hands."

"my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair"

"I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it"

"I just had my ass blasted.. It was an explosive diarrhea."

"What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!"

"HISTORICAL FACT: I moved to Miami too, but I didn't make such a big fucking deal about it."

"I just got early access to the new Injustice: Mods among us."

"If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don't preface them with ""and lastly""."