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Joke of the Day

"Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he's allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock."

"*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment* ""Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar."""

"This ad says: ""3 out of 5 smokers die"" Apparently the other 2 become immortal."

"What do snakes use to build clocks? Metal Gears"

"Waiter there's a dead fly in my soup! What do you expect for $1 - a live one?"

"Can't sleep. Too excited for Arbor Day."

"Life is like a box of chocolates A woman can completely destroy one in minutes"

"My friend has already lost 50 pounds last month on their new diet. It's called the ""fruit machine"" , I think I will have to try it."

"I'm thinking about starting a feminist group. It's called Ovary-Action."

"When Kelis sang about her milkshake bringing all the boys to the yard... ...do you suppose she was referring to her dairy-ere?"