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Joke of the Day

"This ad says: ""3 out of 5 smokers die"" Apparently the other 2 become immortal."

"My wife told me to stop singing Oasis And I said *maybe*...."

"[a dolphin kisses me at sea world] ME: so like what are we"

"Jesus was talking to a crowd... Jesus was talking to a crowd, explaining he was the son of God. Everyone in the crowd said ""Nah, No way!"" Jesus stood up and said ""Yahweh!"""

"Right about now, Sarah Palin is sipping coffee and picking her next factually incorrect thing to say. And Glenn Beck is chasing a squirrel."

"[phone sex] GF: Tell me you want me ME: I want you badly GF: How badly? ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly"

"TIFU by making my husband the wrong sandwich Oops, wrong sub!"

"I do pull ups to get girls... and pull outs to not get one"

"Boy To Girl Boy : You are the most funniest & most beautiful girl I've ever met. Girl : You just want to screw me , Don't you ? Boy : Wow ! and smart too ... !"

"News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together."