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Joke of the Day

"When your kids are little you're a superhero. When they're teens you're a super villain. After that, your only power is invisibility."

"It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs."

"""Be there in 5."" - liars"

"Why did the condom cross the road? Because he was pissed off."

"9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing."

"Well, I don't know how my tattoo is gonna look when I'm 60, Carol, but I know you'll be dead by then so"

"Why doesn't Rihanna smoke weed anymore? Because she's taken enough hits."

"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

"A router goes into a doctor's office and says, ""It hurts when IP."""

"I have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. All he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary"