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Joke of the Day

"I have a friend who's fat, alcoholic, and transvestite. All he does all day long is eat drink and be Mary"

"I'm trying to get my wife to quit smoking. Maybe I should slow down and use a lubricant."

"What comes in pints? elephants"

"What the difference between woman and man? A man has always the same penis between his legs."

"I hope you're using all the time you save by saying ""totes"" instead of a ""totally"" to learn a trade."

"GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled WOODPECKERS: We didn't get anything GOD: Oh. Uh...just pound trees with your face"

"Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named 'Hailey' and 'Brayden' running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts."

"How do you get 100 Canadians out of a swimming pool? Say ""hey, you Canadians! Get out of that swimming pool!"""

"I wonder if Hitler ever thought... ""Crap, did I turn the oven off?"""

"I'm jealous of Santa... ...he can yell ""hoe hoe hoe"" at anyone and get away with it."