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Joke of the Day

"I respect how the Hamburglar was like, ""Hey, I know I'm at rock bottom here, but I'm going to be professional about it and wear a tie."""

"What do fishermen say on Halloween? ""Trick-or-trout!"""

"I won the drowning competition. Wanna know my secret? Well, don't hold your breath!"

"You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can't make him drink a horse"

"I wrote on my tinder that I'm 5 foot 2 and got no matches. Then I wrote that I'm just 1 foot and now I can pick and choose."

"[Speech Therapy] Therapist: Repeat after me: I'm thirsty Dad: I'm...thirsty T: I'm hungry D: I'm...H...Hi Hungry, I'm Dad T: *throws clipboard*"

"Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren't worth it."

"7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*"

"Daylight Saving Time ends today. So I have to remind myself, that the clock on my microwave will be wrong for the next several months."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alka ! Alka who ! Alka-phone !"