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Joke of the Day

"What did Saint Patrick say when he drove all the snakes out of Ireland? ""Everyone got seat belts on back there?"""

"Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received. Beep."

"Why were the coffee beans upset? Because they were grounded.... Or black I am not sure."

"I've finally achieved my lifelong dream of becoming a stand-up comedian Thank you prosthetic legs!"

"How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped"

"I invented a new word today... Plagiarism."

"I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?"

"*me looking at a police lineup* Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa."

"My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together. I sh!t you knot."

"I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast."