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Joke of the Day

"Guys, I ran the numbers, and each 1000 Twitter followers adds about as much actual value and happiness to your life as a taco."

"United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes."

"What's the dieeference between /r/Showerthoughts and /r/jokes?"

"Why don't cows hang out with camels? They're all a bunch of drama-dairies."

"What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You're just going to have to be a little patient."

"Have you seen a proton lying around? I'm sure I hadron somewhere."

"So I met a Jewish girl at the bar last night... [NSFW] She asked me for my number so I wrote it on her arm. Haven't heard from her since..."

"Sex while married"

"I've been so drunk that homeless people give me their footlong sub. When they give it to me they whisper, ""Get your shit together, rookie."""

"Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt."