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Joke of the Day

"My least favorite branch of the military is the Girl Scouts, they can't fight for shit."

"It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet."

"I lost 5 followers after tweeting my non-concern for owls. I must stop being so politically controversial."

"Why don't gays like to play hide-and-seek? Because everyone knows they're in the closet"

"if you can get a price tag onto a priceless jewel they have to sell it to you for that price, it's a simply trick that saves on heist work"

"Where do I see myself in ten years? I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*"

"I was going down on my grandmother the other day... When I tasted horse semen, and I thought ""huh, that must be how she died."""

"If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you."

"[landlord walks in apartment] ""I told you no pets!"" That's a stray gerbil. ""And those fish??"" ...stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM"

"You know how I just broke this huge cookie in half and put the other half away like I wasn't going to eat it? That was funny."