195098

Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend left me because of the way I face the toilet paper. I told her I can't help it... That's just how I roll."

"Caught a taxi home last night from the market. Forgot I had no money. Thankfully the driver let me pay in cabbage"

"It's been pretty rough going, but I think I finally beat my crippling addiction to sobriety."

"How do you fit 1000 jews in a Volkswagen? 2 in the front, the rest in the ashtray"

"ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!"

"What's the most prominent religion in Canada? Jemima's Witnesses."

"My 4 year old refused his dinner but it's ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier"

"I only stop browsing Reddit when I accidentally hit something ..or when it's time to wipe"

"I spend 90% of my time at the gym choosing the right song for my workout."