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Joke of the Day

"Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How's work? You look great. You want some tea?"

"So you wanna learn to speak with an Irish accent do you? Whale oil beef hooked."

"What's that joke that ends...""but you fuck 1 sheep..."""

"Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy. Feels good till you look down and realize you're gay (Credit to Adam Corolla)"

"Dad, I'm cold.. Dad : Go stand in the corner son. Son: why? Dad: because its 90 degrees"

"I'm losing followers two by two. Maybe they are all boarding an ark somewhere."

"It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand."

"What are Kierkegaard's two favourite fruits? Melon and Broccoli!"

"Today I learned two things: 1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals 2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs"

"[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] ""do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you."""