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Joke of the Day

"[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] ""do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you."""

"Whats Lil' Waynes favorite pizza place? Little seizures"

"So there's this cute girl from work and I'm too shy to talk to her But then I realized, all I needed to do to talk to her was to remove the duct tape"

"what do you say to a puking prostitute? Heave-ho!"

"If you arrive fashionably late in crocs... you're just late."

"Why was the pig unhappy in the Minors? Because he wants to play in the Pig Leagues."

"Grandpa: ""My joints are stiff."" Me: ""Don't roll them so tight."""

"Why should you never run in front of a bus? You will get tired."

"My grocery list tells the story: limes, beer, TP, creamer, donuts, batteries, excedrin, a life."

"Went out for a jog today Thought I heard someone clapping for me. Turns out it was just my fat thighs."