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Joke of the Day

"I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag."

"If you're paddling a canoe up a river and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None, because ice cream doesn't have bones."

"My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion."

"All my life, I never thought I'd wake up at 6am to go jogging...and I was right."

"Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything."

"HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE: Whisper ""You should have killed me when you had the chance"" to the person in the bathroom stall next to you."

"I don't believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he's trying to crank over a motorcycle while he's sleeping."

"*rises out of neighbor's hot tub* I'd like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems..."

"How do you turn a duck into a popular soul singer? Stick it in microwave and turn it on until it's Bill Withers."

"Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said ""Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!"""