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Joke of the Day

"If you're paddling a canoe up a river and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None, because ice cream doesn't have bones."

"A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider."

"Running and Cars He who runs in front of car gets tired. He who runs behind car gets exhausted."

"[My band playing on stage] New GF's friend: Which one is the boy you've been seeing? New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died"

"To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on."

"What's the most difficult instrument for a percussionist to play? a conundrum"

"You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol."

"Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy. Feels good till you look down and realize you're gay (Credit to Adam Corolla)"

"[First date] Her: i'm a criminal lawyer, what do you do? Me: really, well it just so happens that I... (trying to impress her) ...am a criminal"

"Why Did The One Handed Man Cross The Road? So he could get to the second hand store!"