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Joke of the Day

"Last night, my sexy Japanese friend asked me out for dinner. ""Hey, you wanna go for sushi? It's on me."" It's funny 'cause I paid the bill."

"Thank Satan it's Monday."

"Some days it's little things, the tone of his voice or his words when we're alone, that help me realize I'd rather have the insurance money."

"Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and ""we'll see what happens"" is considered inappropriate."

"Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference"

"My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots."

"Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES"

"""R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to pee"" - Urethra Franklin"

"I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."

"Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick."