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Joke of the Day

"Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants. Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES"

"How do you get a blonde to break her nose? Place your dick under a glass table"

"Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside."

"Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, ""I love you too!"" while hanging out of the sunroof. Me, 1 Kids, 0"

"My kids are teenagers, and I've found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap."

"Did you hear about the epileptic Roman? [](/badjoke) He had a Caesar."

"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a number 2 pencil."

"What's the difference between an flautist and a Porsche? Most members of the band haven't been in a Porsche."

"I let my kids play on my Samsung Galaxy Note 7... They had a Blast!"

"Something weird just happened. My captain just told me Bravo Zulu for a job well done, and then abruptly fired me. How am I supposed to get an explosive tug with my dick in my pants?"