19079

Joke of the Day

"How do you describe Catwoman in one word? Purrfect"

"How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ? Take all the matches out first !"

"""so what did you do before self-driving cars?"" ""we just drove 'em ourselves!"" ""wow, no one died that way?"" ""oh no, millions of people died"""

"Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security... Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!"

"I could be a stripper if guys want to see a girl get stuck trying to take off her turtleneck followed by an on-stage panic attack."

"Why'd the toilet feel abused? Because it took a lot of shit."

"What type of weed do lizards smoke? Mariguana."

"Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good."

"Why was the fish swimming backwards? It didn't want to get water in its eyes."

"Dandruff. Plastic bags. Dish soap --> things more interesting than my friends' Facebook updates"