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Joke of the Day

"""Mom, I hate the word, 'Hemorrhoid'. It's like a weird planet. Hi,I'm Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!"" -my 12yr old"

"Gay jokes aren't funny come on man"

"What's the difference between a terrorist training facility and a preschool? How the fuck should I know, I'm just the drone pilot."

"Once, just once in my life, I'd love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper I'm hunting wabbits."

"Everyone told me to follow the dreams So, I went back to bed"

"There's nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack."

"Every time my phone screen goes black... I wonder if it'll ever come back."

"Why is Ian Thorpe gay? He didn't like breast stroke."

"The thing about insomnia is 372 raised swirl patterns on the ceiling."

"What was the last phone call made from the Twin Towers? An order for two large plains."