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Joke of the Day

"If someone calls me a sir one more time I will literally wear a top hat and a monocle and roll my eyes so hard you will not survive."

"Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine."

"Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :( Talk about explosive diarrhea."

"Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, ""Where did I meet these crazy people?"" But then I think ""What would I do without them?"""

"Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That's my kid telling a story."

"I Told my wife I lost 10 pounds in a hour The She said ""Sweety, we call them Dollars here"""

"If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet with intelligent life - lets just make patterns in their crop and leave."

"What type of people can you not stand? People in wheelchairs"

"I saw a man at the beach going ""Help! Shark! Help!"" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him."

"How do farmers party? They *turnip* the *beets*. :/"