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Joke of the Day

"""What's that?"" - My new boss. He's very deciduous"" ""Decisive?"" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*"

"When kids don't want to take a nap, can they be charged with resisting a rest?"

"Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else"

"I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous"

"A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife but a Tiger Wood"

"What's the difference a Whore and a Bitch? A Whore will fuck anybody, a Bitch will fuck anybody but me."

"Remember when we cried as kids and our parents said, ""I'll give you something to cry about"" We thought they were going to hit us but instead they destroyed the housing market."

"The only thing that would make my morning more productive is actually doing something."

"A blind man goes to optician for a check up. The optician takes his guide dog away, replaces it with another and asks, 'Is this better?'"

"Autocorrect, no matter how many times I tell you, I don't want anyone's duck in my can't."