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Joke of the Day

"""How old are you?"" Things you say to your third child."

"Q: What do you do with a green monster? A: Wait until it ripens."

"Last night I dreamt I was a muffler... It was exhausting."

"I'm at my most British when the Benny Hill theme song plays while I'm half naked & being chased by my TC's wife who found me in his closet."

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent!"

"Where do bees keep their money ? In a honey box !"

"My wife told me she wanted to go somewhere she's never been before. I told her to try the kitchen."

"I let Jesus be my co-pilot once. Terrible decision, really. I was all, ""Drive, Jesus! Drive!"" And he was like, ""No hablo ingles, senor!"""

"I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter in my stomach."

"(NSFW) Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off."