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Joke of the Day

"I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds."

"Captain: You're suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop."

"Home alone tonight The fridge is making weird noises I think the beer wants out...."

"George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters. (If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)"

"How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? Why do you need electric light when you have a glass ceiling?"

"People who failed committing suicide... How do they live with themselves?"

"Breaking news: A man has drowned in a bowl of Cheerios. Ironically his family didn't get a chance to say goodbye."

"If you're looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I'm pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds."

"So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?"

"Chad always has an impeccable fashion sense, even when he's not trying People ask him how he does it and he tells them, ""Well, I didn't stay in the closet all those years for nothing""."