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Joke of the Day

"Captain: You're suspended. Turn in ur badge and gun. [he does, but immediately grows a new badge and gun] Godammit, u were born to be a cop."

"Cashier: Will that be all? Me: No. I'm getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I've got so far."

"Why was the Jolly Green Giant wrongly accused of being a pedophile? He'd been letting the kids use his dick for a bungee cord."

"Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist's window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target."

"I was interviewing a guy for a position as a dentist Turns out he wasn't very great at the job. I told him and he broke down crying. He couldn't handle the tooth"

"What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo? One's heavy and the other is a little lighter..."

"Ive been told I'm not ambitious enough.... I've been told I'm not ambitious enough. If only there was an olympic sport for being a lazy bastard. That bronze medal would be mine."

"Saw a sign that said ""Join a 5k run! Fight childhood obesity!"" Shouldn't the kids just run it themselves?"

"I'm not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!"

"Hey, NSA, if you're going to read them, would it kill you to star them?"