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Joke of the Day

"I illegally watched Hang Over Part 3 online and I still feel like I got ripped off."

"What time does Sean Connery show up to wimbledon? Tennish"

"What is blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint."

"i asked my girlfriend what she would do if i won the lottery She said: i would take half of it and run away Then i replied: ok i won 10 dollars here's 5 now get the fuck out"

"What vegetable parties the hardest? A Turnip."

"I tucked my kids in last night and said, ""See you in the morning!"" and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise."

"In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends."

"""You can be anything!"" Okay I'm going to be Kanye west ""Josh that's not what I meant"" Shhhh *puts my finger to her lips* It's Kanye now"

"Why couldn't Jonah convert the Ninevites? Because he was too inefficient."

"I was walking down the street one day.. and a man threw a bit of cheese at my head, i turned to him and said; 'oh, real mature mate'."