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Joke of the Day

"Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it's from me Sir, that's a Ms. Pac-Man machine *raises glass, winks*"

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"Like it or not... That's how Facebook works."
"I'm throwing a party for people who can't ejaculate... Tell me if you can come."
"""Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?"" Wife: ""Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?"" ""...Yes"" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*"
"If we could only get rid of the federal government this country could be a libertarian paradise like Somalia"
"You put 2 fingers in... Maybe 3 if it's big enough... Oh yeah.... Now that's how you wash a mug."
"PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids! MAGENTO: I think you've got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*"
"How many kids does Adrian Peterson have? More than you can shake a stick at"
"What do you do after sodomizing a baldy? Just put them back in the craddle."
"Its cool to pee into blue toilet water and watch it turn a different color... just not when it turns purple"