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Joke of the Day

"If we could only get rid of the federal government this country could be a libertarian paradise like Somalia"

"The Queen Elizabeth doesn't have one. The Pope has one, yet he does not use it. Arnold Schwarzenegger's is big, and Brad Pitt's is small. What am I talking about? A last name, you pervs."

"4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend. My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition."

"Dolphins are just Sharks who watch Glee."

"Balloons are stupid. ""Happy birthday! Here's a buncha sacks of breath."""

"Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: ""Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"""

"PLEASE LEAVE A VOICEMAIL (if you're calling from 1986)"

"You guys hear that Atheists don't get taxed? Apparently they are a non-prophet organization"

"Two men were talking about their wives The first man says ""My wife is an angel."" The second man says ""You're lucky, mine's still alive."""

"BARISTA: I have an order for...God? Is there a God? [no one answers] ATHEIST: Haha told ya GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I'm here ATH: Shit"