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Joke of the Day

"I was with my mom today when some guy backed into our car. I joked with my mom ""That guy's pull out game is weak."" My mom replied ""Not as weak as your dad's."""

"what is brown and sticky? A stick"

"I'm donating my body to science. I'm getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer."

"Interviewer: ""So, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"" Me: ""My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly."""

"[For enemies] You know the difference between you and I? You came out of your mom. I came in her."

"The tattoos in your shirtless avi say 'bad boy'; the flowered wallpaper behind you scream 'living in mom's sewing room'."

"My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse *but I beat her to it*"

"Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight."

"In high school they called me donkey dick. I got that name because... it was short for Donald Keith Richards."

"Say what you will about grammar nazis At least they aren't anti-semantic."