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Joke of the Day

"I was with my mom today when some guy backed into our car. I joked with my mom ""That guy's pull out game is weak."" My mom replied ""Not as weak as your dad's."""

"Me:*delete pics* IPhone: you sure? M:Yes IP: Ok I'll just put them over here Me:delete them IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho"

"[playing limbo at Gary's house] GARY: how low can you go? *i sleep with Gary's wife* GARY: wow, that is pretty low"

"When I order a burrito with a coffee in my hand, I imagine the cashier is thinking ""Wow, this guy must really love to shit!"""

"If you are here - who is running hell?"

"GF asked ""Can you hand me my shoes?"" Me: ""No, but I can feet them to you"""

"What will Stevie Wonder's next album be called? Songs In the Key Of Death"

"In every teen body-swap film there's that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult. That's my morning routine now."

"Cheer up Hillary Clinton. Nelson Mandela wasn't elected president , until after serving 27 years in prison ."

"What's the difference between a person with a forehead and a fivehead? A sixth sense"