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Joke of the Day

"I keep my friends close *lean in, whisper* and my anemones closer ""Sir thats very fun but aquarium policy forbids sitting in the touch tank"""

"What kind of shoes does Jack Lew wear? Cashews."

"It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars."

"What do engineers use for birth control? Personality."

"There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both."

"I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate."

"I asked a friend if he'd eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked ""From whose dog?"" I'm having a hard time accepting that as a factor."

"[the followin is based on a true story] *clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year* Narrator: its like he forgets its there"

"Women! They assume everything but the position."

"I used to throw gang signs... but then my mom saw me and made me pick them up."