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Joke of the Day

"How are a grenade and a wife similar? If you pull the ring off it, the house is gone"

"I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now."

"Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media."

"Abortions are so fun... ...they really bring out the kid in you"

"Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows? It's the VCRdvard"

"What's a good thing about a novelist conman? He may have a lot of cons, but he also has a lot of prose."

"OP is in labour. Still can't deliver."

"*holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again."

"They should have an Academy Award for ""Most Acting."""

"Cats make the best boyfriends because they're soft, loyal, and won't claim they're straight but then turn gay after one lousy date, BRENT!"