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Joke of the Day

"I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now."

"I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning"

"There is no ""I"" in the word ""team,"" but I don't think that means anything about team work. That's just how it's spelled."

"What's every spider's dream job? A web designer."

"One good thing has come from the Ebola virus The white nations might have a chance of winning a marathon next Olympics."

"I felt like dancing after mixing cheap rye with powdered orange drink I called it my Whisky Tang-o Foxtrot. Seriously, WTF was I thinking?"

"Can I ask you a self-referential question?"

"I bought 37 self-help books today... I just couldn't help myself."

"Nurse walking down a hallway reaches into her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer... She says, ""Great, some asshole's got my pen."""

"I got called racist for saying 'pitch black' The umpire disqualified me and told me I struck out and that the better thing to say would be 'Jamal, I'm ready for your fastball'."