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Joke of the Day

"5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number."

"Women left at the alter near-Mrs"

"Can I get an amen? Saw this today"

"People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie."

"My mate went for a penis enlargement yesterday. Apparently it's now a foot. Worst plastic surgeon ever..."

"How do you get a one armed man off a tree? You wave to him"

"How can you spot a Canadian They're the ones that say ""Thank You"" to the ATM"

"Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE'S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES"

"I went to a funeral the other day, my friend died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball. It was a lovely service."

"I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends."