200088

Joke of the Day

"I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends."

"What's the difference between a woman and a toilet? A toilet can become president."

"""Look we LOVE the script for 'Murder Bees', just change the name to 'My Girl' and you've got yourself a movie!!"""

"You know what I get off on? Subway platforms."

"I think the 2016 Cubs would beat the 1908 Cubs. First, the 1908 Cubs are all dead. Second, the 2016 Cubs are all alive."

"I can't believe how stupid that bloke in the Post Office was.... He said that my Parcel was too heavy and that I needed to put more stamps on it like that's going to make it lighter."

"I've always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect."

"I find that most women are like roller coasters... They won't let me on them because I'm too fat."

"Did you hear about Trump getting Pink Floyd back together? Only problem is, he's gonna make them pay for every brick in the wall."

"friend: what are your plans for The Purge? [imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL] me: do a murder"