182040

Joke of the Day

"If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I'd probably do something super crazy, like loiter."

"What did the bread say after its massage? Ahh, I kneaded that."

"I asked a coworker if she liked Mila Kunis. She said yes and all the better if I call her a whore afterwards. Then I saw her hearing aid."

"Me: The bathroom Wife: What? Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going."

"You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower."

"Take it easy on the anti-semetic jokes. Take it easy on the jew jokes please. My grandfather died in a concentration camp during WW2. Apparently he fell off a guard tower during shift change."

"How do you turn a washing machine into a snowblower? Give her a shovel."

"You are being approached by a lawyer, a lion and a gang member. You are armed with a gun and two bullets. What do you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice."

"I don't care what your favorite song is, if you set it as the alarm you wake up to in the morning, you'll want to stab it with other songs."

"[job interview] What experience do you have plucking chickens? Me: See all those hairs on my chin? No. Me: Exactly."