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Joke of the Day

"Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice."

"Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now."

"Sometimes I like to leave seafood restaurants clutching my stomach and whisper ""Don't order the fish,"" to people waiting for tables."

"Bunny The energizer bunny just got arested for battery."

"What's the easiest way to get a little head? The Zika virus."

"sorry i'm still an undecided voter, but it's hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much"

"I wasn't good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I'm starting to look good eh?"

"What's the point of making a whistle only rapists can hear?"

"'It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why ?' 'I've put a file in your cake.'"

"I was raised by my father.. He was schizophrenic, but he was good people."