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Joke of the Day
"Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands."
Next Joke
"Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he's suntanning."
"What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car? The bear maximum"
"Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly...do you want me to close the door? Me: Do you wanna watch? Nurse: *closes door*"
"Poured Tresemme on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent"
"Why are Americans bad at League of Legends? Cause they can't protect their towers."
"""Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?"" *Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down* ""Omg!"" Narrator: The power of Febreeze"
"(Don't let her know you can't read) Yes I'll have this *points to menu* -So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more? Shit"
"Jared's favorite dressing on his Subway sandwich is Neverland Ranch. I'm sorry."
"I'll have you know, I've been sober for just over 100 days. Not like, in a row or anything...just in general."