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Joke of the Day

"If I'm ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC's without singing the song tell my family I loved them"

"I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in."

"Do you have a go-to joke to tell someone who is clearly having a bad day?"

"I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food."

"Why did the scarecrow get a nobel peace prize? Because he was *outstanding* in his field."

"Did you hear about the kid who got his legs blown off? He's a whole two feet shorter."

"I'm a psychiatrist studying the relationship between humans and dogs in beastiality You can find me in my lab"

"If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered."

"The soldier survived pepper spray and mustard gas He is now a seasoned veteran."

"How many SJW's does it take to change a 90w lightbulb? Did you just assume my wattage??? FLICKERED"