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Joke of the Day

"[on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* ""The French toast, sir?"" Yeah. 6 of those."

"Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart"

"When I was a child I could go into a shop with just a pound, and come out with 3 bars of chocolate, 2 cans of coke and a magazine. But these days, fucking CCTV everywhere."

"*job interview HR: Can you name one of your strengths? Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle."

"If you call Starbucks ""Starbs,"" I hope you get totes murds."

"I feel that jokes about basements are beneath me... ...but I won't tell you a joke about roofs because it'll go over your head."

"What's a pirate's favorite letter? R! Aaaarrrgghhhh! You'd think it'd be R but it's the C, matey!"

"Nothing says ""Proper Retirement Planning"" like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets"

"The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders. I'm so sorry"

"A gaggle of geese, a brood of hens, what do you call a group of turkeys? A corporation."