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Joke of the Day
"Are you the 7th planet from the sun? Cause I sure would like to probe Uranus."
Next Joke
"North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))"
"APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane"
"Who ate those tomatoes? Tom ate those."
"""I wasn't that drunk!"" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight."
"What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare."
"All I'm saying is God wouldn't have given me this wild hair if he didn't want me to store stuff in it. *baby hedgehog peaks out*"
"Tweet idea: a funny and popular one"
"Some of my friends are doctors and human rights activists and I just spent the last 22 minutes trying to open a pistachio."
"I bought a vacant piece of land recently, and every night someone keeps depositing soil on the land. I still can't figure out who it is. The plot thickens."