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Joke of the Day

"What's the best thing about being homeless... You don't have to duck and cover during an earthquake."

"*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand* Booth operator: ma'am please not again Me: someBODY once tolled me"

"DNA doesn't make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does"

"There are 10 types of people.... ....who understand binary: * The one who does * The one who doesn't"

"What's the difference between a van and a minivan? A van picks up kids. A minivan picks up your kids"

"You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog"

"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I was just laid by this chick."

"DATE: *takes a sip of her water* ME: haha ok wow can you tone down the pda you're behaving very erotically"

"This one time I was hit on by Anthony Kiedis. I only had two options, either give it away... or flea"

"Samsung should focus their marketing toward criminals They could completely monopolize the burner phone industry."