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Joke of the Day

"You are not truly drunk until you have a jar of peanut butter in your hand and your looking for the dog"

"hey look at me nonchalantly tweeting in lowercase am i cool now guys please know that it took me 13 tries to get that lowercase ""i"" to stick"

"I'm like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars"

"There was that one time when i screw up my joke. Uh oh Spaghettios."

"Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married Why is it a bad idea for two butt cheeks to get married? Because they part for every little shit."

"Take me down to the paraphrase city. Where it's nice."

"My favorite word is penetration. My second favorite word is done."

"They say being a hostage is difficult - but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back."

"What do you call a Marshmallow eaten by Aliens? A Mars-mallow"

"What is Napoleon Dynamite's Favorite TV Dinner? Tot Pockets"