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Joke of the Day

"When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn't deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead."

"That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who's really attractive, only cause it's too hard to walk away from the mirror."

"I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.."

"Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up."

"Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything. Ninja: So does a samurai sword. L: But does it make a cool noise? N: *cuts off Luke's other hand*"

"5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child."

"I'd like to have a kid but I'm not sure I'm ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are."

"Guy walks into a DR's office with a duck on his head... Duck says ""Hey Doc an you get this guy off my ass"""

"can't wait to see how dudes figure out how to still get really mad at each other when cars are all self-driving"

"I use Google Earth to see which yards have milkshakes."